Jesus Christ!

Yep, it’s Easter, the point in the Christian calendar when we shake our fists angrily at Romans (or Jews if you’re Mel Gibson), nail people to trees and then eat chocolate eggs for largely inexplicable reasons. It’s also a four day weekend and, therefore, an excellent excuse to get and then stay drunk – thanks Mr Christ!

But, despite taking the holiday days anyway, there are many who don’t really believe that a baby was born of immaculate conception, was handy at woodwork, turned water to wine, did something equally nifty with bread and fish, and spent weeks in a Perspex box suspended above the ground in London with no food, water or toilet. They’re unforgivable heathen scum who’ll burn in Hell for all eternity with members of all other so-called religions, so they’ll get theirs alright!

After all, how can you not believe in someone who just keeps turning up in the most unlikely places? I mean, we’ve all had the face of JC rearing up at us once or twice, haven’t we? For me it’s normally whilst in the throes of orgasm. Which often makes me we ponder over just how much he looks like Bin Laden. Weird. Anyway, if you haven’t yet looked upon His divinine fizzog, here’s a few clues as to where you might catch Him…

The Tea Towel of Turin

Presenting the miracle of ‘Squint Hard Enough and You Can See Brian Blessed’

The Banana of Fife

Jesus loved this lady later.

Cheesus Sandwich of Nantwich

Father, Son and Holy Toast.

The KitKat Christ

Finally connecting Christ with chocolate.

Saviour Fishes for Me

The Jesus Stingray that took Steve Irwin to ‘a better place’.

Leg of Lamb of God

What’s more He died for her shins.

The Savoury Saviour

Yes, it seems your best bet for eye on Christ action is grilled cheese sandwiches.

Pizza His Body

Or in a three-cheese pizza. There’s a theme here.

Proof of Purchase of God

Jesus not only saw you buy that copy of Underaged Shaven Dwarf Horses, He has the evidence.

Holy Sock, Batman!

“Jesus was a black man. No Jesus was Batman No, no, no, no, not at all. That was Bruce Wayne ” – Hymm 132 by Black Grape.

Writing, Wall, On The

How do you deal with that? Do you paint over Him or just have him starring at you constantly, judging you like some Simon Cowell?

That’s enough of that now. Yep, I’m off to the pub to see if I can spot Jebus at the bottom of a pint pot. Merry Easter!

Published by stuartpritchard

Journalist, Editor, Lover and Fighter.

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