Music and Christmas go together like turkey and stuffing, turkey curry and naan, and cold turkey and amoebic dysentery. It’s all traditional. Whether it’s suffering the 1000th rendition of Slade’s Merry Xmas Everybody whilst engaged in a full-on fist-fight with an old woman in WH Smith’s over the last copy of the Britain’s Got Shit-all annual, or being aurally raped by the latest Yule log to drop out of the diarrhoeic seeping anus of the Simon Cowell machine, there’s not much to be said for Crimbo tunes. These days the race to the Christmas number one tends to be headed by amateur overblown re-workings of previously decent songs by X Factor winners, robbing the music of all soul or meaning and therefore making a mockery of the whole festive season in a manner that effectively spits in the face of Christmas, Jesus and God. Probably.
But, that said, if it’s not some digitally corrected vocal abuse of real music, it’s something equally inane – other Christmas tunes have involved massively festive subjects such as driving a JCB, the eco concerns of a serial paedophile (Earth Song) and even seen the insane involvement of fictional characters like Mr Blobby, Bob the Builder and Cliff Richard. Pure madness.
However as abysmal, repetitive, surreal or just plain winter wonderland wank high-exposure Christmas tunes have been over the decades, thank Baby Jebus, for far worse are the festering festive records that you’ve never had to endure. Just take a look at this little lot…
Christmas In The Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album
Somebody thought this was a good idea. Probably the same grasping neck-goiter toting bloke who also thought that The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith were also good ideas. As infuriating to me as the aliens on the Argos advert that also inexplicably celebrate Christmas despite coming from another planet/galaxy, that lot from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away are apparently also big on the whole Crimble thing.
Classics here include R2D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas and the seminal What Can You Get A Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Has A Comb). It’s enough to make you want to destroy Alderaan and kill your own asthmatic dad.
White Christmas (Korean)
“You bought me lampshades?! Lampshades?! Fucking lampshades?! I hate fucking lampshades!” – is all I can get from that cover.
24 Sint Nicolaasliedjes
I honestly don’t recall the Black and White Minstrels being a major part of either the Nativity or having any involvement with the Pope. But then I always drink too much at Christmas so perhaps the horror of blacked-up members of the Swiss Guard escorting a hirsute His Holiness around people’s houses to handle kids is just a tradition I missed out on.
Worse still than thrusting Christianity down the elongated throats of Argos aliens, now we turn to animals. Yes, animals have Jesus too, but not like the one we have, they have the Cat Christ instead, or the Moggy Messiah as He’s known in some branches of Christicatiny.
Here Come Santa Claws, The First Meowel and Meowy Christmas are amongst three of four ALBUMS produced in which various cats are squeezed until they reach the right pitch to belt out countless Christmas classics, delighting deranged old women everywhere and giving lonely spinsters something to Tweet about as they spend yet another Christmas alone in a cold room with nothing but cheap vodka and an M&S Christmas Dinner for One to keep them company.
The Night Before Christmas – David Hasselhoff
T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except the Hoff, pissed up on booze, in his pants, trying to eat a burger while being filmed by his own daughter. Oh look, now he’s pissed himself too.
This Ain’t No White Christmas! – Rudy Ray-Moore
I can’t help but feel this might be some kind of subtle political statement. He followed it up with Little Honky and Cracker Been Blown Away in a Manger. At least I like to think so. Frankly it’s fairplay after that 24 Sint Nicolwotsit.
All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
Admittedly there’s an excellent chance you’ve encountered this little gem at some point in your life. And I am truly sorry for you. Still, what could entice you to buy such a record more than the heartwarming image of a crosseyed, bucktoothed retard stealing fake presents from underneath a photography studio tree? Nothing, that’s what. You’ve got your two front gravestones, you Goofy bastard, wish higher, wish higher!
Nuttin’ For Christmas – Kenny and Corky
You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why – you do and these two fucking wooden nightmares on string will be coming for you. They see you when you’re sleeping… they know when you’re awake…
All My Friends Are Dead – Freddie Gage
Alright, it’s not a Christmas record, but I’m out of the alloted time I gave myself to cobble this together and needed something to end on. Plus, Christmas is a time to think about absent friends. Freddie does. Some say too much. Pawing at the cold earth on fresh graves with his bare hands. Look at him, he’s like a little human Greyfriar’s Bobby, bless him!
Merry New Year!